THE SKANKY WANKERS

BREAKING NEWS:
PRESS RELEASE - May 28th, 2007:
Skanky Wankers Fail To Three-peat - Suicide Watch Instated
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Ted Tumescent reporting, Detroit Lakes, MN (AP)

Returning two-time 5th Place Champions The Skanky Wankers failed in their bid to capture 5th Place in a never-before seen “Three-peat” at this year’s Spiritual Refreshment golf tournament.  With its one-over-par score the team placed 7th out of 9 teams.  “Our sub-par performance failed to translate to the scorecard,” quipped The Swinger.

For the fifth straight year The Wankers were beaten by Ray’s team, The Driven Hackers, who found themselves in a three-way tie for the much-coveted 5th Place title.  Even though Ray himself was unable to make the trip from Florida, the loss was devastating.  “Still, I swear I saw a guy flip the bird towards Florida near the 9th green,” reported Wanker Co-Captain Turbo.

Newcomer Skankette Penny Lane provided a much-needed boost for the team’s morale.  In a feat of personal glory, Penny Lane won the award for Women’s Longest Drive on the 5th Hole, slicing a 15 foot drive that moved at least 3 feet forward of the tee.  However, her willingness to sabotage rival team’s efforts and her questionable scorekeeping were not enough to propel the team up through the standings. 

For the second year in a row The Paulinator failed to bring the nun chucks along.  “I also forgot to bring hot water and the indestructible French press travel coffee maker.  I suck.”

Although the dark clouds of loserdom followed the team, the tournament wasn’t without its highlights.  “The weather was very nice and we were able to wear shorts most of the day.  (You know, because we, uh, were unable to keep them completely on for the entire time, huh-huh-huh!)” said The Swinger, returning from a seven year high altitude hiatus.  “The boys did great when their pants were down,” echoed Penny Lane.

Senior Wanker Super Dave came through with two miracle putts this year.  The first was an 11 footer on #6, and the second was a string-assisted 21 footer on #9.  “I was stroking it good today,” he said.  Super Dave’s motto during the outing was “Visualize.”  Other highlights included a 27 foot chip in by The Paulinator on #8.  “I was really pissed off because Penny Lane hijacked the golf cart off the tee, and Turbo kept screwing with the volume on the stereo as I was preparing my shot.  Perhaps I’ve been mistaken in channeling all of my anger at Ray’s team, and should instead focus on hating my teammates?” he wondered out loud.

Perennial crowd favorite Turbo was once again plagued by injury.  Following two broken arms and gall bladder surgery in 2006, the plucky Canook suffered from what appeared to be carpal tunnel syndrome, possibly due to near-constant blogging on usasucks.com.

The Skanky Wankers suffered another, more permanent loss this year.  Lil’ Skanky, the golf figurine atop the 5’ 6” Team Skank trophy, was found dead in The Paulinator’s room not long after the tournament results were announced.  Coroner’s photos from the scene clearly show Lil’ Skanky’s lifeless body hanging from the top tier of the trophy.  “We haven’t ruled out foul play, especially with no solid proof that Ray was actually in Florida.  The case remains open, but unfortunately it does appear to be a suicide, especially considering the note,” said Becker County Sheriff Don Utmuncher.  Acquaintances of the deceased report Lil’ Skanky had been suffering from violent mood swings and unpredictable outbursts leading up to the tournament.

At press time the future of The Skanky Wankers was in question.

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