The Paulinator




Wanking History:  Puberty, 1997-2008
  "The Ripper" by Judas Priest
  "We're all gonna get laid!"  (The end of the movie)
Strengths:  Big hitter; experienced with a wide variety of motorized golf vehicles; skankiest wanker on the team.
Weaknesses:  None.


- When did I first get the calling? 
I first heard the skanky calling after my regular golf partner (Rick Miller) and I kept screwing up our schedules and ended up on seperate teams throughout the mid 90's.  I took this as a sign from God that Rick and I should go our seperate ways, myself going to the Dark Side.  That's when I hooked up with Turbo.  During a practice round we found the chuks growing into a tree next to #2 green, and extricated them after much effort -- much like Excalibur.  I knew it was destiny.

Who were my earliest influences?
Johnny Miller for golf... because he had his own line of slacks at Sears.  David Cassidy for hair.  And his dad, Jack Cassidy, for skankiness - he was always my favorite TV villain.

- What message do I have for kids who are thinking of picking up the Skanky lifestyle...
Pick your favorite Wanker and copy his every move. 

- The best thing about being a Skanky Wanker is...
The looks of jealousy.  We've turned a negative into a positive.  People hate seeing others being successful.  Basically, they wish they'd thought of it first.  What are they going to be...  The Skankier Wankers?  HA!

- The worst thing about being a Skanky Wanker is...
The burning and itching.  I guess I really don't mind the swelling.

- My favorite memory of the tourney is...
1.)  Turbo intimidating the highway traffic on # 5 tee box with his in-your-face 'tude.
2.)  The Skankettes reporting back - mission accomplished.
3.)  Starsky actually showing up despite the rain.  Right then I knew we were unstoppable (except perhaps by the other teams).
4.)  The Duchess tees off in underwear on #5 playoff hole in full view of highway traffic and opponents.

- The thing I wish I could do over is..
Make the fucking birdie putt on #5 in the playoff.

- Next year I will...
Practice five foot putts until I never miss.  Wear the same underwear I wore this year in the tourney.  Learn how to use the nunchuks (sp?).  Have at least ten Judas Priest songs.  Possibly bring my guitar and amp out on the course.  Get my skull pierced.  Spend more time preparing (just kidding).

- Next year the team should...
Intimidate all of our opponents, not just the defending champions.  Flirt with their wives.  Pee in their coffee.  Short sheet their beds.  Turn the Skankettes loose on them.

- Team theme song
"Don't Stop" by Fleetwood Mac.  Propelled Clinton to victory in '92, and he is far skankier than we could ever dream to be...

- Team smell
Pine Christmas tree air freshener.

- Team mascot
The skull golf ball.

- Team STD
Genital Warts

- If I was to sandbag one team member in hopes of bringing in a ringer, it would be...
The Duchess.  By his own admission, if he hadn't made the miracle putt on #1 we would've come in third.  His other two miracle shots were in the playoff, which of course, made us come in third.  So he didn't help at all.  It could be argued that without Starsky we did better last year, but Paulinator, Starsky, and Turbo have all been part of Championship teams in prior years.  The Duchess is clearly the weakest link, and should be thrown over at the earliest opportunity.  He wouldn't wear a headband.  He doesn't even own his own clubs.  He's laughing at us.  He's riding on his natural skankiness, while the rest of us have had to work hard to develop the skanky lifestyle.  I hate him.  I wish he'd join Ray's team, he could be their anti-ringer.  Heh-heh-heh.