The Swinger




 Wanking History:  Puberty, 2000, 2007
  "Baba O'Riley" by The Who
  "Tears in his eyes, I guess..."  (Carl dreams of winning The Masters.)
Strengths:  Big hitter; guaranteed to attract attention, brings plenty of Coca-Cola.
Weaknesses:  Good table manners, never-ending clothing problems, sometimes "wrecks it."
Special note:  See how the Melon-thumping sign uses the Team Skank color scheme?



When did I first get the calling?
Back in Ought-Ought. (2000.)

Who were my earliest influences?
Carl the groundskeeper from Bushwood Country Club. And Rodney Dangerfield, of course. I think his name was Czernik in the classic golf documentary “Caddyshack.”

What message do I have for kids who are thinking of picking up the Skanky lifestyle...
For every Happy Gilmore there are ten thousand bums like Tiger Woods and Notah Begay. Keep your day job. Be smart and stay in school. And remember that lifestyles, like any other style, seem cool at the time but years later people will pee their pants laughing at the pictures of your best efforts to be cool.

The best thing about being a Skanky Wanker is...
wanking

The worst thing about being a Skanky Wanker is...
skankiness

My favorite memory of the tourney is...
I don’t remember seeing Ray this year. That’s definitely my favorite memory!

The thing I wish I could do over is...
The whole stinking day, exactly as we did it the first time. What a great day! Maybe I wish we could re-do the scorecard, though…

Next year I will...
bring a shotgun. The next ball that hurtles toward me as I stand in the no-fly zone will be blasted to smithereen-ies. And then I’ll holler “FORE!”

Next year the team should...

really make an effort to remember that golf is about so much more than driving, chipping and putting. It’s more about accessories and music and team identity. Having fun being clean! Wrecking it! I think we need a Core Values Statement. We ought to solidify our Mission Statement.  And maybe have a retinue or an entourage.

Team theme song -
Baba O’Reilly/The Who. The entire song is bejeweled with hidden golf references.
If we became The Drivers next year, it should be a song of our own making, king of like the old Hot Wheels cartoon theme song from the late sixties. Driving down the fairway, slamming balls home. Gliding over neatly trimmed growth, getting’ in the hole. Drivers! Drivers! Got the big wood, slingin’ long shafts. Drivers! Drivers! (Dah-Da-DADADA-Dah!) Watch those balls go! Gotta love the drivers ‘cause they drive the car home! Drivers go the distance, they get it up there and push it, too.

Team smell - 
Scalding steam being pumped under pressure through finely-ground espresso beans.

Team mascot - 
Big Phat Max, Daniel J.’s righteous Pug.

Team STD -
That stands for Super Tall Dave, right?

If I was to sandbag one team member in hopes of bringing in a ringer, it would be...
The Swinger